For a laugh...

[Garuda]

What makes you laugh?

Post cartoons, video clips, jokes, ... here!


To start the thread off, this video clip made me laugh this morning: Robin Williams and SIRI...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0dI-WZ5cvM0

[Garuda]

http://chzparentingfails.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/crazy-parenting-fails-what-hath-science-wrought.png

[DeepCut]

Garuda, nice signature :)

Some robotics fun, here's the real thing :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1czBcnX1Ww

Here's the 'beta' :

http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_122278&src_vid=VXJZVZFRFJc&feature=iv&v=mXI4WWhPn-U


enjoy ;+}

[Fore]

I whipped this up in a few minutes after I was inspired by a rambling I saw. It made me laugh a bit when I modified it. It shows how I feel LOL. I was going to turn it into an avatar.

http://i42.tinypic.com/mmq3pw.png

Yes that PC is running Firefox. I hope you appreciate the humor of the integration. It will probably be my only homage to the past.

[Kezufru]

Laughed my ass off few nights ago about Robin Williams on the Graham Norton show, never really knew who he was (knew his face but couldn't put a name with it).

And like what you made Fore, big anime fan here :D. and you get +1 for putting Zelda MM in it :P.


have laughed so hard with friends when this episode of family guy came on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2WNrx2jq184

[Fore]

By the way I meant it is a composite from an image I found on the net. Not that I made the actual foundation of the image.

[Garuda]

‎-- ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, BUT 100% TRUE! A SPECIAL HEALTH MESSAGE! --

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I quickly
realized that I DON'T really give a dang! It's the TORTOISE life for ME!

1) If walking/cycling is so good for your health, then the postman would
be immortal!

2) A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water ... and is FAT!

3) A rabbit runs and hops wherever it goes and ONLY lives 15 years!

4) A tortoise DOESN'T run and does NOTHING, yet it lives for 450+ years!

And YOU tell ME to exercise?! I DON'T think so! Now, I'm RETIRED, so go
AROUND me!

Submitted by: VICTOR MARTINEZ

[Doc]

Funny stuff! Victor is branching out into humor more these days. :biggrin2:

[Luminari]

LOL

http://pinterest.com/martneen/awkward-family-photos/

[Garuda]

LOL

http://pinterest.com/martneen/awkward-family-photos/

Awkward, indeed!

[Garuda]

Another one submitted by Victor Martinez:

HILARIOUS YULETIDE HUMOR! "KIDS IN CHURCH: They Say The Darnest Things!"

One particular 4-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us for our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
having a real good time the way I am!"

A Sunday school teacher asked her children a question as they were on
the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping!"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three (3)
times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up
in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys!"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait!'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, YOU can be
Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the 4-year-old son
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?!" the son tearfully asked.
"He died and went to Heaven!" the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then asked, "Did God throw him back
down?!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their 6-year-old daughter and asked, "Would YOU like to say the
blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say!" the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Oh, Lord Jesus, WHY on Earth did I invite all of these people to
dinner?!"
------------------------------------------
It is said that if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle ...
I am passing this on because I thought it was cute and holiday
appropriate, and besides, who couldn't use a miracle?!

Submitted by: VICTOR MARTINEZ

[Doc]

Victor usually avoids forums as he finds them not too user friendly, especially to a Digital Immigrant like himself. He has been over to The OutPost, though, and says he liked how we are coming along. He generously gave us permission re-post anything he publishes on his email list.

[nibs]

Can you imagine if Noah had to build the Ark today??:bleh:



And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I�m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You�d better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn�t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn�t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn�t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn�t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I�m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I�m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I�m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don�t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you�re not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," the Lord replied, "The government already has."
And with that, the rain stopped, the clouds parted, and the sun reappeared.

[Doc]

59 Year old woman makes hockey Hole In One and wins a truck!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ccZqU8rJjTs

[norenrad]

132

I guess we can't just load a picture without adding text.

[murmur]

Caution.....video has language and content not for children




MOD WARNING: You are right about that, Mur. I have removed the video because of unacceptable language and content. Please keep it "G" or "PG" rated.

[Doc]

Puns for Educated Minds


1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



























Don't shoot me, I'm only the messenger

[newyorklily]

This is getting a lot of shares on Facebook. :biggrin2:


http://youtu.be/iOavbyDKSi0

[CasperParks]

Boy and girlfriend are texting back and forth on their cells phones, after a few minutes she sends…

Girl, “I think I am pregnant.”

Boy, “The AT&T subscriber U you are trying to reach is no longer in service.”

Girl, “U spelled you wrong.”

[U.N.C.L.E.]

I always laugh at the "Lame Pun Raccoon" memes.
310

[Garuda]

http://parentsshouldnttext.com/img/pst-ttyl.jpg
:)

[ScaRZ]

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/9571/jackbauerevangelism.jpg (http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/141/jackbauerevangelism.jpg/)
:p

[ScaRZ]

A French doctor says
‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’

A German doctor says
‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person,
put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.

The Russian doctor says
‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person,
put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’

An American doctor, not to be outdone, says
‘You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois;
put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

[ScaRZ]

Just some thoughts.......

Marriage changes passion...................
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' .......... She hit me.


How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over
fifty for Miss America ?


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in
the first place!


When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'


Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!


Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in
prison?


Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.



Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments
cannot be displayed outside?


Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a
soldier'


And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the
end, the faster it goes.

[norenrad]

... An American doctor, not to be outdone, says
‘You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois;
put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

:lmao:

[Garuda]

Zapiro is without a doubt South Africa's best cartoonists, and drew this cartoon on the occasion of this year's 'State of the Nation Address' which was given on Friday.

http://c1961792.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/f763be9c4359569b2f8e0b22c328969f.gif

[Garuda]

Another Zapiro:

http://c1961792.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/aca9d0b8997cb65430ff68395d31d0fa.gif

(originally posted at: http://mg.co.za/zapiro/all )

[newyorklily]

Some drone humor from The Onion (http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-clears-us-airspace-for-more-drones,27336/)

[norenrad]

"I'd be a lot more worried about the potential loss of privacy if the Google Street View car hadn't already caught me passed out on my front lawn last year."

Now that's funny!

I think I saw that one.

[Garuda]

SO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse any more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind up the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP.'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP ! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more..... When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so.........it is time to shut UP!

[Garuda]

Another one from Zapiro


http://c1961792.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/a77a30b2e419dc302c835145b119d687.gif

[Doc]

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where

St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,

"Yesterday we were CAMPAIGNING…Today, you VOTED."

Vote wisely on November 2, 2012

[U.N.C.L.E.]

Here's a few that made me chuckle:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5Lmkm5EF5E&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=JcniyQYFU6M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nwK3pz1lmJA
http://www.wikihow.com/Count-Your-Numbers

[norenrad]

"Yesterday we were CAMPAIGNING…Today, you VOTED."

Vote wisely on November 2, 2012

Ain't that the truth!

[Doc]

A comedy classic:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slCNTz72o4s&feature=player_embedded#!

I miss Jack Webb.

[CasperParks]

A comedy classic:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slCNTz72o4s&feature=player_embedded#!

I miss Jack Webb.

Other than at the tailend, Webb kept a straight face...

[atmjjc]

The chicken and the egg conspiracy...

http://www.terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.html

[CasperParks]

"Yesterday we were CAMPAIGNING…Today, you VOTED."

Have to agree with norenad, truth...

[CasperParks]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M0r-dNEH38&feature=player_embedded

[Doc]

Philosophy of sex.





http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.3&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.4&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.6&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
--Lynn Lavner

continued...

[Doc]

http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.7&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.8&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.9&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.10&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone








http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.11&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

continued...

[Doc]

http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.12&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson



http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.13&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)



http://us.f659.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f10303907%5fABFXiGIAADncT34B9gu22W DgoiQ&pid=1.14&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeoCL
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

[CasperParks]

More Hank for Senate videos...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6z5zC8W2Mk


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1rp3CxozhU&feature=related

The attack ads just keep coming!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdpMWqyGcis




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M0r-dNEH38&feature=player_embedded

[CasperParks]

Two babies, one pacifier...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQ3e1rBhdM0&feature=player_embedded

[epo333]

We need more people like this...:lmao:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=neHreW-PNtw#!

:thumbup:

[Doc]

Good one! Surprised me...

Here are some goodies from Robert Morningstar:



Church Ladies With typewriters are at it again!


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

[southerncross]

:yes: Thanks for that one Doc ! Brought back some really twisted years in the Church Choir !

[CasperParks]

Epo, I was thinking that transmitter was too close to the booth, fooled me. I worked in radio on and off for years, not much work left in that field anymore.

Doc, that was funny...

[calikid]

Those church ladies made me LOL.
Who could have caused these errors? Could it be SATAN????

[norenrad]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

That's hilarious!

[CasperParks]

Just plain creepy. Click on image for a larger view of it.

554

[CasperParks]

560
Interesting photo, click on image for larger view

[CasperParks]

561
Peek-A-Boo!

Click image for larger view

Image a child seeing that when he/she walks in!
If he/she didn't a fear of clowns before walking in, he/she does now!
They'd never want another burger from there again.

[CasperParks]

562
Not sure where I found this one.
Click image for larger view.

[norenrad]

Yep, that's a good one.

[CasperParks]

Ouch, posted that clown one last week and didn't notice it.

[CasperParks]

Timeline humor


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaBjccCj9bM&feature=player_embedded#!

[atmjjc]

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.

She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

[CasperParks]

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light.

She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00.

How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

I think that, she wanted $80.00 dollars, US. Eitherway, that is one of those statements that will get transmitted from cell phone to cell phone, starting with me... I have a couple friends that get into those type of weird text messages.

[Doc]

So papa, how do you like the iPad we got you?


http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

[CasperParks]

So papa, how do you like the iPad we got you?


http://www.snotr.com/video/8965/

Reminds me of that Kindle ad SNL spoofed.

[Doc]

From a DC travel agent:

1.I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa .''
His response -- click..

3.A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4.I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7.A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[CasperParks]

Doc,

It does make a person wonder about DC...

Maybe those behind the curtain search for dumb people for a reason.

[Doc]

Doc,

It does make a person wonder about DC...

Maybe those behind the curtain search for dumb people for a reason.

That and after years of staff reading for them and telling them how to vote, making arrangements for them, packing for them, buying for them, telling you who to talk to, etc. they just stop thinking. Nobody in congress for a career is ever going to pump his own gas or stand in a supermarket line again. If he knows what a gallon of milk costs, it is because someone briefed him on it. :rolleyes:

[CasperParks]

If fart jokes offend, do not watch.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_y7n20ryX0

Need some serious humor and this did the trick.

[CasperParks]

This is cute


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFGAQrEUaeU&list=UUQbF_rI2AAvgUPSYy-mQ7Cg&index=1&feature=plcp

[epo333]

:biggrin2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fl4L4M8m4d0&feature=player_embedded
:lmao:

[epo333]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liGZl6b9s3Y&feature=player_embedded

Remember Folks...DON'T PLAY WITH GUNS!

[CasperParks]

epo333,

That was funny...

[Dunsailing]

635

Holy Sh*t

[Dunsailing]

637 :biggrin2:

[Garuda]

George Takei, of Star Trek TOS, posted this one this morning: To all the trolls out there...

http://www.lamiroy.com/download/yoda_offense.jpg

[epo333]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMLd4ohAffQ&feature=related

[CasperParks]

Classic, Richard Pryor as President


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_cdbByTeNE

[A99]

Baby vs Cobra ~ this is unbelievable!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OR--0zJoIs

[norenrad]

Seems cultures in other countries differ than ours.

[WildMage]

http://i276.photobucket.com/albums/kk40/wildmage_images/bang.jpg

[Doc]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AMLd4ohAffQ&feature=related

Epo333: A long time ago in the program notes of a Psychologists Convention there was a notice that went something like: "We are not doing any covert group psychology experiments during the Convention. So if you see an apparent heart attack or a body in the lobby, it's the real thing and call an ambulance."

The best part? A lot of the attendees thought the announcement was a trick and that there really was an experiment. Nobody has done anything like that since...or so they say...:das

[atmjjc]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3x6MJcvqcT4&feature=player_embedded

[WildMage]

Al Pacino's Dunkaccino Commercial


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S6eUFbOfIU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2S6eUFbOfIU

"Dunkin Donuts" Commercial with Al Pacino | True 1080p HD |

Clip From Movie Jack and Jill (2011) with Adam Sandler | too Funny Burn this, this must never be seen by anyone, all copys destroy them lol |

[norenrad]

One Hour of Funny!


http://youtu.be/8-J1j4lgb0E

I'm still laughing.

[WildMage]

Just For Laughs Gags 2012 High quality


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSLerKFYDWc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSLerKFYDWc

[Doc]

It is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Arrrrr!

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/piratehome.html

...and God Bless you Robert Newton, wherever you are!

[atmjjc]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0AKvRvL5r3A

[Doc]

Not Safe for Work
Not Safe for Children
Not Safe for Old Ladies
...or Sissies...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unkIVvjZc9Y

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unkIVvjZc9Y)

[lycaeus]

Eddie Izzard - Religion, Morality and Dinosaurs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsGpacwnCf8

[CasperParks]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2iG9NQk9mI&feature=player_embedded

[CasperParks]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxAaK0iJ2vQ

[Garuda]

https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/10/10/19x-orE11USe3LObmKgvbg2.jpg

[A99]

Brad Pitt in front of a firing squad...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGs4CjeJiJQ

[Garuda]

A guy in Germany wanted to announce to the world that he's got a new band, and then - in true macho style - jump into a pool with frozen water...


https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zd7c5tQCs1I

The laughter is probably more contagious than the initial FAIL...

[CasperParks]

I have come to a fork in the road...

http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/18/us/irpt-fork-road/index.html?hpt=hp_bn1

[CasperParks]

I have come to a fork in the road...

http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/18/us/irpt-fork-road/index.html?hpt=hp_bn1

823

Click to enlarge photo of Fork In The Road

[enigphilo]

The final US presidential debate was held in Boca Raton (Rat Mouth) FL, oh the irony

[CasperParks]

William Shatner Halloween mask story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Rdidzp_SdKk

[A99]

http://i932.photobucket.com/albums/ad164/A99_x/KLJYGCRS6.jpg

[Doc]

Casper: Love the Shatner mask story! :biggrin2:

[CasperParks]

The Logical Choice
847
Click image to enlarge

[CasperParks]

The following was listed as a description for The Wizard of Oz on television:

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

[calikid]

The following was listed as a description for The Wizard of Oz on television:

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.



Sounds like a serial killer drama!

[Dragonfire]

Originally Posted by CasperParks
The following was listed as a description for The Wizard of Oz on television:

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.


Sounds like a serial killer drama!

Nice, I might watch that, oh wait I did see it :biggrin2:

[CasperParks]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9OUFS9uTb4&feature=related
Company received a number of complaints regarding cruelty to animals.
No kitties were harmed or placed in danger during the making of the video, it is called CGI.

[lycaeus]

Hahahah! Frustration from the 'enlightened' perspective...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nQDWAUpIMs

U.G. Krishnamurti lost his 'self' through a calamitous experience. Many think he's enlightened. Something weird happened to this guy. Interesting fellow.

[CasperParks]

From the same guys who brought us, The Hunt for Pikachu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLBWIh3kQHs&feature=plcp

[Garuda]

In class the teacher talks about Adam and Eve.

Young boy: Did God watch Adam and Eve?

Teacher: Well, of course he did.

Young boy: But weren't they naked?

Teacher: Errr... well, yes, they were.

Young boy: So God invented porn!

[calikid]

Young boy - Santa, send me a little brother for Christmas.

Santa - Send me your mother.

[epo333]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUMf7FWGdCw&feature=player_embedded

[calikid]

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY 20, 1969,

AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON

TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK -

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET
COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE
PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY'

STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,

A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN
THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD


MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"

TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.

[CasperParks]

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY 20, 1969,

AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON

TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK -

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET
COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE
PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY'

STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,

A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN
THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD


MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"

TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[majicbar]

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY 20, 1969,

AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON

TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,

ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK -

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET
COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE
PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE - 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY'

STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH,

A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN
THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD


MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"

TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.

http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.asp

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blgorsky.htm


Sometimes attributed to stand-up comedian Buddy Hackett, "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky" clearly came into this world as a joke, earning the status of urban legend over time through sheer repetition under the guise of a "true story." In spite of the ease with which this revisionist history of the Apollo lunar landing and moonwalk is debunked, it's so much fun to read and pass along that it will doubtless be with us for decades to come.


A related urban legend popular among Muslims claims that Armstrong heard a voice say "Allahu akbar" ("God is great") the moment he stepped on the moon and was inspired to convert to Islam. Never happened.

[calikid]

Urban legends... to fun not to share... as long as it is in the "for a laugh" thread. Haha.

[Doc]

http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f12554216%5fAK0fimIAAQ 9OULZ4vgfKC1tH8eE&pid=2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=YahooMailNeo
:)

[enigphilo]

North Korean Archeologists Discover Ancient Unicorn Lair

A rectangular rock carved with the words Unicorn Lair stands in front of the lair.

Archeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences in North Korea claim they have found the "lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong." Yes, folks. A unicorn. The unicorn that their good old King used to ride back in the day.*

According to the official Korean News, King Tongmyong was the founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (277BC to 668AD). The archeologists say the unicorn's lair "is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City.



LINK (http://gizmodo.com/5964719/north-korean-archeologist-discover-the-lair-of-king-tongmyongs-unicorn-no-joke)

[calikid]

I wonder if they can tell if it was the lair of a gaggle of unicorns? Or just the one. :)


North Korean Archeologists Discover Ancient Unicorn Lair

A rectangular rock carved with the words Unicorn Lair stands in front of the lair.

Archeologists of the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences in North Korea claim they have found the "lair of the unicorn rode by King Tongmyong." Yes, folks. A unicorn. The unicorn that their good old King used to ride back in the day.*

According to the official Korean News, King Tongmyong was the founder of the Koguryo Kingdom (277BC to 668AD). The archeologists say the unicorn's lair "is located 200 meters from the Yongmyong Temple in Moran Hill in Pyongyang City.



LINK (http://gizmodo.com/5964719/north-korean-archeologist-discover-the-lair-of-king-tongmyongs-unicorn-no-joke)



Sent from my SCH-R730 using Tapatalk

[CasperParks]

Elevator Hijinks


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7N5OhNplEd4

[Doc]

Christmas songs by Mariah Carey give me a pain in my ornaments. :bleh:

[epo333]

A Photo of Seattle the Day After they Legalized Marijuana:


868

[epo333]

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD


1. U can't count your hair
2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out


Put your tongue back in fool!


10 Things I know about you...


1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No. 5
9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it You have
read this message because I didn't want to be alone in the "Idiot" category.


Have a great Day........Laugh........and then Laugh and sing

It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's not.

[Doc]

A Photo of Seattle the Day After they Legalized Marijuana:


868

:lmao:

[Doc]

December 8th is Pretend to Be a Time Traveler Day


Go up to random people and ask them, "What year is this ?"

When they tell you, pause for a few seconds then say, "Then it isn't too late!"

And run off.

:angel_not:

[CasperParks]

December 8th is Pretend to Be a Time Traveler Day


Go up to random people and ask them, "What year is this ?"

When they tell you, pause for a few seconds then say, "Then it isn't too late!"

And run off.

:angel_not:

Will try that...

[Doc]

Will try that...


Better put your running shoes on! :bleh:

[epo333]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mOxQghay9w

[Doc]

http://dailypicksandflicks.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/picdump-656-6.jpg

[Garuda]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CayMeza487M

[Blucottoncandy]

End Of The Mayan Calendar is on Friday - Please plan to dress accordingly

879

[CasperParks]

End Of The Mayan Calendar is on Friday - Please plan to dress accordingly

879

Snow apocalypse in my neck of the woods:

WINTER STORM WARNING REMAINS IN EFFECT FROM 3 AM THURSDAY TO MIDNIGHT CST THURSDAY NIGHT...
* HEAVY SNOW WILL OCCUR LATE WEDNESDAY NIGHT THROUGH THURSDAY EVENING.
* A STORM TOTAL SNOW ACCUMULATION OF 10 TO 15 INCHES IS EXPECTED.
* WINDS GUSTING TO 35 TO 40 MPH ON THURSDAY AFTERNOON AND EVENING WILL PRODUCE CONSIDERABLE BLOWING AND DRIFTING OF THE SNOW... WITH LOCAL BLIZZARD CONDITIONS POSSIBLE.

1 to 3 inches an hour of snow falling at times!

Depending on what news station is watched, a couple have said 50 to 60 mph windgusts and up to 18 inches of snow.

[A99]

I'm not surprised to hear this and the same storm is going to sweep into my area too hence why I was told to stock up on food now. Two days ago when I was told that which I wrote about in another thread here, there was no indication that the midwest was going to be hit by a big winter snowstorm. Here's that link:http://www.theoutpostforum.com/tof/showthread.php?1032-2012-The-Awakening-Starts-Today!&p=16801&viewfull=1#post16801
BTW, "Now!" was repeated twice wrt to stocking up food. I mentioned that in another post following the link above and that gave clue that something was coming up soon.
Here's a link to the most recent weather report on this "winter storm draco on the weather station:
Winter Storm Draco: Blizzard Warnings in the Midwest

http://www.weather.com/news/weather-winter/winter-storm-draco-west-midwest-20121217

I'm wondering if this storm is going to be worse than what's anticipated....

Stock up on canned food and candles because powerlines might be brought down by ice too.

[CasperParks]

I'm not surprised to hear this and the same storm is going to sweep into my area too hence why I was told to stock up on food now. Two days ago when I was told that which I wrote about in another thread here, there was no indication that the midwest was going to be hit by a big winter snowstorm. Here's that link:http://www.theoutpostforum.com/tof/showthread.php?1032-2012-The-Awakening-Starts-Today!&p=16801&viewfull=1#post16801
BTW, "Now!" was repeated twice wrt to stocking up food. I mentioned that in another post following the link above and that gave clue that something was coming up soon.
Here's a link to the most recent weather report on this "winter storm draco on the weather station:
Winter Storm Draco: Blizzard Warnings in the Midwest

http://www.weather.com/news/weather-winter/winter-storm-draco-west-midwest-20121217

I'm wondering if this storm is going to be worse than what's anticipated....

Stock up on canned food and candles because powerlines might be brought down by ice too.

That would be the same beast coming in here overnight and tomorrow.

[A99]

Not so much ice but heavy wet snow might be the culprit wrt downed tree's and powerlines; that and the wind. Will just have to wait and see what happens. Right now it's looking really spooky out there. Big change in how its been over the past few days.

[CasperParks]

Not so much ice but heavy wet snow might be the culprit wrt downed tree's and powerlines; that and the wind. Will just have to wait and see what happens. Right now it's looking really spooky out there. Big change in how its been over the past few days.

I will go for a walk in the storm, just to feel the energy.

[A99]

Here are some of the Blizzard headlines in the news so far as it's traveling slowly across the country....

Almost 20,000 Without power, Roads Treacherous As Snow Piles Up

Major snowstorm pounds Midwest

Blizzard Warnings In Upper Midwest; Possible Tornado In Alabama

Blizzard blankets Iowa in white, more than 13″ of snow on the ground

First blizzard of season buries U.S. Midwest

Blizzard Whacks the Midwest

Holiday travel alert: Blizzard conditions threaten Plains, Midwest

[A99]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E87raPj9m0A

The Freeze
From the Day After Tomorrow

[A99]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyXAlHsdv5A

Carol Burnett Show- The Pail

[Doc]

A little late but still funny...

886

[Fore]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWoQpzdB5gs

[calikid]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ******* badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FREAKING BADGE!"

[CasperParks]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this ******* badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FREAKING BADGE!"

:lmao:

[A99]

I don't know if this is funny or just plain old (((WEIRD))).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12GhMF0pya8

[A99]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12GhMF0pya8

[A99]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pqnXR4U9w8

[A99]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHUgdwyxTF0

[calikid]

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.
To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space.
The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.
The Russians used a pencil.

[Doc]

Him: If I left you in the forest with nothing but an axe, how long would it be until you could send me an email?

Me: As long as it would take to walk to a campground and trade the axe for five minutes on someone's laptop or smartphone.

[majicbar]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=52YQ05jEIMw

Experimental sobriety test.

[Garuda]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3sJB2tcoJY

[majicbar]

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.
To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space.
The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.
The Russians used a pencil.

But would the pencil write on all materials? There are many jokes that could be made about Russian technology and how they could do with common materials what we would find expensive and complicated ways to do similar tasks. Funny none the less.

[A99]

Irish news at its very best!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=VDrNZSJolow

[CasperParks]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTwXharxdAA

[lycaeus]

Seth Macfarlane calls a gay bar


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgjEM0RACOs

[calikid]

First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

909

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:






Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington

[Chris]

First Grade Drawing - PRICELESS!
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for her homework assignment.

909

The teacher graded it and the child brought it home.

She returned to school the next day with the following note:






Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be perfectly clear on my child's homework illustration.
This picture is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint surrounded by male customers with money.
I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.
This drawing is of me selling a shovel.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Harrington

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[calikid]

BACKGROUND: Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave a speech at a
High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school.

He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a
generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set
them up for failure in the real world.

RULE 1: Life is NOT fair -- get used to it!

RULE 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

RULE 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you EARN both.

RULE 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss!

RULE 5: Flipping burgers is NOT beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping: they called it
"opportunity."

RULE 6: If you mess up, it's NOT your parents' fault, so don't
whine
about YOUR mistakes ... learn from them.

RULE 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you
save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try
delousing the closet in your own room.

RULE 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life
HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll
give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't
bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

RULE 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do
that on your own time.

RULE 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

RULE 11: Be nice to NERDS. Chances are you'll end up working for one!

[calikid]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES

================================

Something Went Wrong
in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really]?


Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far, don'tcha think?]



Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy]!


Miners Refuse to Work
after Death
[why, those no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-so's]!




Juvenile Court to
Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial]!





War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]




If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[ya' think]?




Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who'a thunk it]!




Enfield (London) Couple
Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something]!



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[ya' mean there's something stronger than duct tape]?



Man Struck By Lightning
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge]!



New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough]?





Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[Beans for lunch'll do it every time!]






Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Ya' think they taste like chicken?]



Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]




Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Wow! They chose medicine over careers in the NBA!?!}




And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Did I read that right?]



-----------------------------------------------


SIGNS OF THE TIMES:

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER......
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS


In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN


In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD


Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?


Notice in Health Food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS


Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR


Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR


Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.


On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[majicbar]

http://stokes.byu.edu/teaching_resources/pingpong.htm

The Professor demonstrates the operation of an air cannon shooting a ping pong ball. The ball exits the cannon at 500 mph according to the Professor. In his second demonstration he shoots through a thin piece of plywood. In the last demonstration he shoots at himself, and it is this last demonstration that is rather funny, IMO.

[CasperParks]

Upgrade for operator’s license!

919 918

Click images for larger view, front and back.

[norenrad]

This is old, but it still makes me laugh.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbHThlw4fPs

[newyorklily]

This is sooooo funny. I just wish I was on that train when it happened.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=47e3vjA_4uc&feature=share&list=FLEDJwxpCBa 1PryWT-ncj2YA

[Dragonfire]

Fred was drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Fred.'

Fred was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Fred was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Fred the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Fred.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Fred, wake up! You sh1t the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

[Dragonfire]

I guess Dominic is just too pooped to pope.

[ProblemChild]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-1ehDZv6JQ

[Fore]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZNe10q0reA

Sorry about the topic but it is a very funny doodle.

[epo333]

Ha, I got this from another site but its' still funny...

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one...


That's reassurance to those who fly routinely.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident....


Pilot Complaint: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget -"

[CasperParks]

Magic Of Rahat - Youtube (http://www.youtube.com/user/MagicofRahat/videos?view=0)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiQo6KKrX4A&feature=player_embedded#!

[newyorklily]

I wasn't sure which thread to put this in; Sci-Fi, Music or Laughter. I found it funny so I put it here.


http://youtu.be/5aemuTHcXfQ

Unfortunately, it's only 30 seconds. I wish it was longer.

[CasperParks]

Clarke and Dawe - Government by Reality Television

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ylPLHH66Mo

[CasperParks]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jhC_KHkihKY

[Doc]

From Twitter, regarding former Mayor of Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick, convicted of racketeering and facing 20 years in Prison":

(https://twitter.com/djmeph) "Plane circling Detroit with a sign that says, "Don't drop the soap, Kwame." Keep it classy, Detroit."

(https://twitter.com/djmeph/statuses/311180921543991297)

[CasperParks]

Imaginary Friend Photo Prank


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6BEQ0fiV1w

[Freyr]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=n5Gn8jt55LQ#!

The Baby Bullet

[CasperParks]

Luke's Change: an Inside Job

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dvv-Yib1Xg&feature=player_embedded

Published on Mar 16, 2013

An examination of some questionable events and circumstances leading up to the destruction of the Death Star, through the eyes of an amateur investigative journalist within the Star Wars galaxy. The focus is mainly on the connections between the people who created and operated the Death Star and those responsible for destroying it.

[calikid]

Yes, The Darwin Awards are out again

It’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The frustrated gunman walked away.

And Finally, the 5-STAR “STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER”

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perp had been punished enough!


They walk among us....

[lycaeus]

My new favourite picture:

Dorothy and Alice bonding:

980

[calikid]

COURT REPORTERS HAVE TO KEEP STRAIGHT FACES!!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________ ____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________________________________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________ _______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[whoknows]

And we wonder why our political system is such bad shape!:lmao:

[montalk]

Some headlines:

Hundreds of Slime-Covered Seabirds Wash Ashore, Puzzle Scientists.
Volcanoes on Io puzzle scientists
"Mars Flower" continues to puzzle scientists
Puget Sound algae blooms puzzle scientists
Mega avalanches on Saturn moon puzzle scientists
Giant ocean whirlpools puzzle scientists
Bird beak deformities puzzle scientists
Patchy Polar Bears Puzzle Scientists
Black hole buddies puzzle scientists
Saturn's rings still puzzle scientists
Gigantic jets of lightning in Earth's upper atmosphere puzzle scientists
'Intelligence Genes' Continue to Puzzle Scientists
Missing Dwarf Galaxies Puzzle Scientists
Mercury levels in fish puzzle scientists
Humanlike 'Hobbit' Fossils Puzzle Scientists
Dead camels still puzzle scientists
Anchovy Deaths Puzzle Scientists
Frog Deformities Still Puzzle Scientists
Dolphin deaths in gulf puzzle scientists
Origin Of Meteorite Is A Puzzle To Scientists
Human-like fossils in China caves puzzle scientists
Ancient figures engraved on rocks puzzle scientists
Whales' Amazing Navigation Skills Puzzle Scientists
600 Quakes In 10 Days Puzzle Scientists
Coyote attacks in California puzzle scientists
Deadly Red Sea shark attacks puzzle scientists
Porpoise deaths puzzle scientists
Lake Superior changes puzzle scientists
Dead birds puzzle scientists as more fall dead from the sky
Intersex mice puzzle scientists
Russian city of twins continues to puzzle scientists
Fast-melting glaciers puzzle scientists
A 2000 Year Old Greek Computer Continues to Puzzle Scientists
Naked penguins puzzle scientists
Pigeons' sixth sense puzzle scientists
Missing Bees Puzzle Scientists
Eta Carinea [supernova precursor star] Discoveries Puzzle Scientists
Exploding Toads Puzzle Scientists
Polar Bears' Mysterious Origins Befuddle Scientists
Bird flu clusters befuddle scientists
The root cause of Alzheimer's continues to befuddle scientists
The Geminid meteor shower befuddle scientists
Dark Matter New Measurements Confound Scientists
Mysterious cosmic rays confound scientists
Clouds Of Ice Confound Scientists
Ocean Winds Confound Scientists.Two-week Reversal Of Breezes
Clues left by Quake Confound Scientists
Pluto continues to confound scientists
Mountain glaciers gain volume and confound scientists

Conclusion: Scientists are puzzled, befuddled, and confounded by a world that also appears to be ending.

[CasperParks]

Twelve year old confronts a cop disobeying the law.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=4pSasFQIyH8

[Doc]

My new favourite picture:

Dorothy and Alice bonding:

980

That is a great one!

[CasperParks]

My new favourite picture:

Dorothy and Alice bonding:

980


That is a great one!

Almost missed that one!

Classic...

[Garuda]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7444560128/h82C4E0DF/

[Doc]

http://us.mg2.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2_0_0_1_28045_AD1VimIAAAZZUaazlgAAAOI y%2FEk&pid=TEXT&fid=Inbox&inline=1
:)

[calikid]

The new Axe commerical is a whole series on Axtronauts. Funny stuff!
Talk about getting upstaged.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDiKXypI4Dw

[newyorklily]

One of my old dancing buddies (who has nothing to do with UFOs) posted this on my facebook timeline. It's funny but I still have to shake my head.


http://youtu.be/WD94mEYFaCw

[lycaeus]

Person1: "Ya know, I once had a wife. She only had one leg!"

Person2: "Huh that's interesting. Really?"

Person1: "Yes indeed. Her name was Eileen."





:biggrin2:

[Doc]

Person1: "Ya know, I once had a wife. She only had one leg!"

Person2: "Huh that's interesting. Really?"

Person1: "Yes indeed. Her name was Eileen."





:biggrin2:

Ouch, what a groaner! :biggrin2:

[lycaeus]

Ouch, what a groaner! :biggrin2:

Yeah sorry, that was kind of corny. If anyone else has any other jokes I'm all ears... errr, I guess, technically 'eyes' since this is a text-forum in internetworld and we're all a bunch of computer-chair potatos.... (okay I'm done).

[Doc]

Yeah sorry, that was kind of corny. If anyone else has any other jokes I'm all ears... errr, I guess, technically 'eyes' since this is a text-forum in internetworld and we're all a bunch of computer-chair potatos.... (okay I'm done).

There was great potential there for an Eileen Toofar joke... :biggrin2:

[epo333]

Yeah sorry, that was kind of corny. If anyone else has any other jokes I'm all ears... errr, I guess, technically 'eyes' since this is a text-forum in internetworld and we're all a bunch of computer-chair potatos.... (okay I'm done).

Ha!,

I once had a girlfriend who had one breast bigger then the other, so I entered her in a wet "T" shirt contest and hey, she came in 1st and 3rd ....:doh:

[calikid]

Will I Live to see 90?
Here's something to think about.......


I recently picked a new primary care doctor.


After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'


He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...


He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a crap?'

[norenrad]

Indeed, reminds me the "healthy" bikers and joggers that do their thing on or alongside the road or own a house on a busy street.

[Doc]

"As I was walking home the other night, a workman hammering on my neighbor's roof called me a 'paranoid little weirdo'. In Morse Code." :nono:

[norenrad]

For some reason, that reminded me of this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSFW8wB6DoU

[norenrad]

Which reminds me of this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSY4fEEg4j0

[CasperParks]

For children and teens who need help learning to read print books.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iwebauiZDA

[Garuda]

Lyrics that are most often sung incorrectly:

A Belgian newspaper published the list of the song lyrics that are most often sung incorrectly.

1. Bryan Adams, The Summer of 69
‘I got my first real sex dream’ instead of ‘I got my first real six-string’

2. Bon Jovi, Livin on a prayer
'It doesn’t make a difference if we’re naked or not’ instead of ‘It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not’

3. Nirvana, Smell’s like teen Spirit
'A mulatto, an albino, a gazebo, cheese dorito’ instead of ‘A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido’

4. Michael Jackson, Wanna be startin' somethin'
‘Mamma se, Mamma Sa Mamma Appelsap’ instead of ‘Ma Ma Se, Ma Ma Sa, Ma Ma Coo Sa’
[appelsap is Flemish/ Dutch for apple juice]

5. Maroon 5, Moves like Jagger
'I got the moobs like Jabba’ instead of ‘I got the moves like Jagger’

6. Queen, Bohemian rhapsody
’50 ways the wind blows’ instead of ‘Anyway the wind blows’

7. Will Smith, Getting jiggy with it
‘Kick a chicken with it’ instead of ‘Getting jiggy with it’

8. Michael Jackson, Beat it
‘Beaded, beaded. No one wants to eat a peanut’ instead of ‘Beat it, beat it, no one wants to be defeated.'

9. Billy Joel, Piano man
‘Sing us a song for the yellow man’ instead of ‘Sing us a song, you’re the piano man’

10. Bee Gees, more than a woman
‘Bald-headed woman, bald-headed woman to me’ instead of ‘More than a woman, more than a woman to me’

[Fore]

Sorry, but it was too funny to ignore:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqjlhtKIToo

[norenrad]

That's a blooper if I ever saw one.

[Garuda]

Sorry, but it was too funny to ignore:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqjlhtKIToo

This one even made the front page of Belgium's biggest online newspaper!
http://www.standaard.be/cnt/dmf20130713_00657575

[Fore]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55D-ybnYQSs

[CasperParks]

Oldie but goodie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pk7yqlTMvp8

[Garuda]

Just learned Mel Smith passed away.

Here he is in one of the better 'Alas Smith & Jones' sketches.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rgTNx50ehFY

[atmjjc]

I have seen this video about 10x thru the years and it still make me laugh...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6mbW-jMtrY

[CasperParks]

Saw this on the internet...


Accidentally Deleted Your Inbox? Call the NSA!

[norenrad]

'nuff said.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJQoxdSFTJ0

[calikid]

On the stupid criminal front.
Guessing he hates that Ransomware.

Man turns himself in after ransomware pop-up about child abuse imagery
Technology (http://www.wired.co.uk/news/archive/2013-07/29/ransomware-man-turns-self-in)
by Cyrus Farivar

A US man turned himself in to local police -- with his computer in tow -- after receiving a pop-up message from what he believed was an "FBI Warning" telling him to click to pay a fine online, or face an investigation.

While specific details on the case are scant as of yet, it appears that the suspect here fell victim to a type of ransomware that has been proliferating for years now -- raking in millions for the scammers behind it.

Police said Jay Matthew Riley, 21, of Woodbridge, Virginia, walked into Prince William's Garfield District Station on 1 July, 2013 to "inquire if he had any warrants on file for child [sexual abuse imagery]."

According to the local police department's press release, posted on its own Facebook page on Thursday, July 25, 2013:
The accused voluntarily brought his computer to the station and, following a search, several inappropriate messages and photos of underage girls were recovered. Detectives were able to identify one of the girls as a 13 year old from Minnesota. A search warrant was obtained and executed at the home of the accused. As a result, computers and other electronic devices were seized. Following the investigation, the accused was subsequently arrested on 23 July. The FBI message that the accused had originally received was determined to be a virus and not a legitimate message. The investigation continues.


http://cdni.wired.co.uk/1240x826/o_r/ransomware.jpg

[lycaeus]

Can't put my finger on it but somehow I can't seem to take this guy seriously...you'd think he used to be a comedian.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhvaI07jmkA

[Doc]

"If the Artist Formerly Known As Prince really was a prince, it would have to be a tiny little country that exported blouses." ~from the ether

[calikid]

Up up and away...
1067

[calikid]

PARAPROSDOKIANs



A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; often used to a humorous effect.


"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a paraprosdokian.




1 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


2 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


3 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


4 If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


5 We never really grow up, we only really learn how to act in public.


6 War does not determine who is right - only who is left


7 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not put it in a fruit salad.


8 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


9 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


10 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


11 I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.


12 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.


13 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


14 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.


15 Behind every successful man is his woman. Also an amazed mother-in-law.


16 A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


17 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


18 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive more than once.


19 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


20 There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


21 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


22 You're never too old to learn something stupid.


23 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


24 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


25 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


26 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


27 A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.


28 Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.


29 I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila.


30 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


31 Every man is a fool for at least five minutes every day. Wisdom consists in not exceeding that limit.

[CasperParks]

Calikid,

Lot of good ones in that list.

[calikid]

Mexican Navy Seal

A Rottweiler at heart!
1068

[Garuda]

B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy *******)

SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.

-------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

***Old People Rock!***

[Garuda]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZoAl8-XQmo

[calikid]

Super Skier - Bob Gibson


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AddBu9NCvNA

Well, they called him Super Skier
As he sat around the sundeck
For he swore that he would never take a spill
When they finally brought him down
They had to use three toboggans
To carry all the pieces down the hill

He was comin' down that slope
Doin' ninety miles an hour
When he caught an edge of his ski....

[Fore]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?&v=0moDyUrVn48

[Garuda]

A Netflix spokesperson confirmed to The Huffington Post that this incredible, "Star Trek"-laden back-and-forth between a subscriber and a customer service representative is indeed real.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/11/netflix-customer-service_n_4086365.html

[CasperParks]

A Netflix spokesperson confirmed to The Huffington Post that this incredible, "Star Trek"-laden back-and-forth between a subscriber and a customer service representative is indeed real.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/10/11/netflix-customer-service_n_4086365.html

Read it, very funny.

[calikid]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2 Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an a-hole.



3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future



6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid..



7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high



8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



13. Glibido : All talk and no action.



14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.





The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to it's yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.



3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.



6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.



7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.



9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[calikid]

Top 10 NSA pickup lines:

1100

[Doc]

From George Takei: "Apple now supports Windows."

1108

[calikid]

I had an LoL moment this weekend.
While surfing the channel listings of my cable TV provider I came across a listing for
"Satan's Gravey...".
Well, I was intrigued.
What was The Devil eating down there in Hades that required a ladle of Satanic gravey?
I couldn't resist, I changed the channel only to find the title had been truncated.
"Decoded: Satan's Graveyard: Alaska", about a hotspot of disappearances.
Did I mention it made me LoL? :D

[norenrad]

"We were wondering when the next 'epic split' video was going to pop up, as it's been a month since Channing Tatum showed off his astonishing physical prowess with a couple of catering carts in response to Jean-Claude Van Damme balancing between a pair of semi trucks. Now, JCVD's "The Expendables 2" co-star Chuck Norris is up at bat with the epic-est epic split yet in a Christmas video to fans."

http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-news/chuck-norris-fact-split-jcvd-channing-tatum-175449557.html


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SI_Nq5u84bI


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7FIvfx5J10


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMlpiey20b8

[calikid]

A 'palindrome' reads the same backwards as forward.
This video reads the exact opposite, backwards as forward.
Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.

This is only a 1 minute 44 second video and it is brilliant.
Make sure you read as well as listen to the entire video...

The video was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old.
The contest was titled "u @ 50".
When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause.
So simple and yet so brilliant.
Pls click the link below


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRG4ySdi_aE&feature=youtu.be

[CasperParks]

A 'palindrome' reads the same backwards as forward.
This video reads the exact opposite, backwards as forward.
Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.

This is only a 1 minute 44 second video and it is brilliant.
Make sure you read as well as listen to the entire video...

The video was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old.
The contest was titled "u @ 50".
When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck and broke into spontaneous applause.
So simple and yet so brilliant.
Pls click the link below


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRG4ySdi_aE&feature=youtu.be

Excellent.

[CasperParks]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oB9vhM-A-A

[CasperParks]

Now we know why packages were delivered late.

1112

[lycaeus]

Here is my first epic movie. Hope you like it:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXel_ZGiajo

[epo333]

Here is my first epic movie. Hope you like it:

I am speechless, but looking forward to my next BANANA...:thumbup:

[CasperParks]

Here is my first epic movie. Hope you like it:

Thanks for sharing. Look like everyone had fun making it.

[CasperParks]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCRDskZrUMU

[calikid]

Audi Superbowl Commercial - Doberhuahua

"It's disturbing to look at it directly" :lmao:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zl0zw1YVZd4
.
1657

[CasperParks]

Audi Superbowl Commercial - Doberhuahua

"It's disturbing to look at it directly" :lmao:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zl0zw1YVZd4

That was a cute one.

[calikid]

Have you seen the latest Sport's Illustrated swimsuit model?
She's a real doll (http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/barbie-poses-sports-illustrated-swimsuit-issue-wrong-192900710.html)!

[Doc]

Tin Man's Neil McDonough delivers a pitch-perfect sales, er, pitch?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4hI6koIRYk

[CasperParks]

Tin Man's Neil McDonough delivers a pitch-perfect sales, er, pitch?


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q4hI6koIRYk

The commercial has attitude. His delivery nails it.

[Doc]

The commercial has attitude. His delivery nails it.

He's being cast as the villain a lot lately. I like him better as a good guy. He does nail that right down to the "n'est-ce pas?" and the smile.

[calikid]

Things Not To Say To Your Wife Song
OMG, so true!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SZ3SC-gVvy0

[calikid]

25 funniest auto corrects (http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/13603/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-dyacs-first-year/)...

Too gross to post here, but sure made me LoL! :biggrin2:

Can you guess what Auto Correct substituted for the following?
Girl scout cookies?
Capslock?
Mistletoe?
Shaved Pork?
Black Pumas?
Kissed?

[CasperParks]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k3--GPk-l4

Not everything The Onion does is age appropriate. This one is cute and okay for all ages.

[CasperParks]

Kids react to rotary phones.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkuirEweZvM

A tad on the long side, fun to watch.

[calikid]

US Intelligence agencies are suing Sprint for over billing on surveillance. (True story)
Guess they should have stuck to nights&weekends.

[CasperParks]

US Intelligence agencies are suing Sprint for over billing on surveillance. (True story)
Guess they should have stuck to nights&weekends.

No surprise. Getting billing errors fixed is no easy task.

[Fore]

http://s22.postimg.org/vljlm5y2n/pt_1.jpg

http://textastrophe.com/

[lycaeus]

http://31.media.tumblr.com/6bdd0495c5e66ced0ae93b8b1bbd0fa4/tumblr_musuys1ui21ql2603o1_500.jpg

[lycaeus]

This ones just too funny

http://i.imgur.com/L9OI2A3.jpg

[calikid]

This ones just too funny

http://i.imgur.com/L9OI2A3.jpg

Hmmm. How about...

Sarah had something else in mind when she told not-so-bright Billy "If we play it right, we'll be swimming in dough."

[earthman]

Still wiping the laughing tears away on this one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUlWDF1jTuo&list=FLNi4-WvcMFuxmhLnSy_azGA&index=2

earthman

[Garuda]

There is a saying that 'there are no stupid questions'.

These questions prove otherwise: http://www.quora.com/Stupidity/What-are-some-dumb-questions-you-have-been-asked

[calikid]

BILL ENGVALL - Here's Your Sign


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yvj_acGhbPk

Stupid people; "here's your sign".

[Pandora'sParadox]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZ15vCGuvH0

Muscle what???