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Thread: For a laugh...

  1. #11
    Another one submitted by Victor Martinez:

    HILARIOUS YULETIDE HUMOR! "KIDS IN CHURCH: They Say The Darnest Things!"

    One particular 4-year-old prayed,
    "And forgive us for our trash baskets
    as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

    A little boy was overheard praying:
    "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm
    having a real good time the way I am!"

    A Sunday school teacher asked her children a question as they were on
    the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in
    church?"
    One bright little girl replied,
    "Because people are sleeping!"

    After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all
    the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three (3)
    times what was wrong.
    Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up
    in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys!"

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The
    boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother
    saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
    "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
    'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait!'
    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, YOU can be
    Jesus!"

    A father was at the beach with his children when the 4-year-old son
    ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a
    seagull lay dead in the sand.
    "Daddy, what happened to him?!" the son tearfully asked.
    "He died and went to Heaven!" the Dad replied.
    The boy thought a moment and then asked, "Did God throw him back
    down?!"

    A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
    their 6-year-old daughter and asked, "Would YOU like to say the
    blessing?"
    "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
    "Just say what you hear Mommy say!" the wife answered.
    The daughter bowed her head and said,
    "Oh, Lord Jesus, WHY on Earth did I invite all of these people to
    dinner?!"
    ------------------------------------------
    It is said that if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle ...
    I am passing this on because I thought it was cute and holiday
    appropriate, and besides, who couldn't use a miracle?!

    Submitted by: VICTOR MARTINEZ
    An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.
    - Jef Mallett

    Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.
    - Charles Darwin

  2. #12
    Victor usually avoids forums as he finds them not too user friendly, especially to a Digital Immigrant like himself. He has been over to The OutPost, though, and says he liked how we are coming along. He generously gave us permission re-post anything he publishes on his email list.

  3. #13
    Can you imagine if Noah had to build the Ark today??



    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I�m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

    "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

    "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You�d better have the Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

    And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

    "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"

    A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn�t meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

    Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn�t let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.

    Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn�t complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn�t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

    Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe. Right now I�m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I�m supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I�m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don�t think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

    The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you�re not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

    "No," the Lord replied, "The government already has."
    And with that, the rain stopped, the clouds parted, and the sun reappeared.
    MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF STARS

  4. #14
    59 Year old woman makes hockey Hole In One and wins a truck!


  5. #15
    herman02.jpg

    I guess we can't just load a picture without adding text.
    This isn't poetry, this is the language of reality.

  6. #16
    Caution.....video has language and content not for children




    MOD WARNING: You are right about that, Mur. I have removed the video because of unacceptable language and content. Please keep it "G" or "PG" rated.
    Last edited by newyorklily; 12-31-2011 at 07:07 PM.

  7. #17
    Puns for Educated Minds


    1.
    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.

    2.
    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

    3.
    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

    4.
    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

    5.
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

    6.
    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was arrested for littering.

    7.
    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    8.
    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

    9.
    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

    10.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

    11.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    12.
    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

    13.
    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

    14.
    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

    15.
    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    16.
    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

    17.
    A backward poet writes inverse.

    18.
    In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

    19.
    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

    20.
    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

    21.
    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

    22.
    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'


    23.
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

    24.
    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

    25.
    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

    26.
    There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.




























    Don't shoot me, I'm only the messenger

  8. #18
    Super Moderator newyorklily's Avatar
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    This is getting a lot of shares on Facebook.

    www.disclosurebeginsathome.wordpress.com
    Disclosure begins at home so start a conversation about UFOs.
    "Debunkers are like school yard bullies." - Kevin Smith to Leslie Kean, August 31, 2010

  9. #19
    Boy and girlfriend are texting back and forth on their cells phones, after a few minutes she sends…

    Girl, “I think I am pregnant.”

    Boy, “The AT&T subscriber U you are trying to reach is no longer in service.”

    Girl, “U spelled you wrong.”

  10. #20
    Member U.N.C.L.E.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Pacific Northwest, USA
    Posts
    36
    I always laugh at the "Lame Pun Raccoon" memes.
    SmallMedLarge.jpg
    "Immolation is the sincerest form of flattery." ~ Crow from MST3000

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